Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Grinch Song List

"I must find a way to stop Christmas from that I never have to hear these five songs again."

#5: Christmas Time Is Here from "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

Why I don't like it: I have nothing against "A Charlie Brown Christmas." It's a sweet little special with a good message. And I love Snoopy. But this song grates on my nerves. If their voices were any higher I would worry about my glasses shattering.

#4: Here Comes Santa Claus

Why I don't like it: I always found it odd that this song mixes the religious and secular traditions of Christmas. "Santa knows that we're God's children, that makes everything right." So Santa doesn't visit atheists? That's kind of a dick move. Also, when I was little I knew at least one Christian family who made sure their kids knew that Santa was not real, because if they found out later that Mom and Dad lied about Santa...what if that means they lied about God, too?

#3: Santa Baby

Why I don't like it: The point of this song is selfishness. The singer gives Santa her list of increasingly large demands--a car, a yacht, a duplex, diamonds on her Christmas tree--and it's all played for laughs. At least when Janis Joplin sang "Oh Lord, Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz?" she was being ironic.

#2: Do They Know It's Christmas?

Yes, this version by BNL is from the same album that provided five songs on my favorites list. I figured it was only fair.

Why I don't like it: I am well aware that there are people in the world who have horrible lives, and their lives don't magically improve at Christmas. But there is a difference between this song and, say, a volunteer for the Salvation Army. The point of the bell-ringers is to say, "There are people who have crappy lives. Can you give us something to help them?" The point of this song is to say, "There are people who have crappy lives. You should feel bad."

For an added bonus, listen to this song while doing your Christmas shopping: "There are people who have crappy lives. You should feel bad. Buy our shit!"

#1: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Why I don't like it: I never really listened to this song until I was in college, working a part-time job to help pay for tuition and books. Like every other store on the planet, we switched to full-time Christmas music after Thanksgiving. The line that caught my attention was when the woman sings, "Say, what's in this drink?" To be fair, when the song was written that line probably did not call up implications of Rohypnol. But after that, I started listening to the lyrics more carefully, and I discovered something: this song is creepy as hell. It's all about a man trying to convince a woman to spend the night with him because of a storm. The woman protests--at one point she even says, "The answer is no,"--but the man will not take no for an answer. Worst-case scenario, she has not only been drugged, she is also underage, because she points out that her parents will worry if she does not come home.

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